The Get Real Blog

She makes it so hard on herself. I can see it clearly. Her life is good and sure there are things to adjust, to fine tune, to increase. That’s partly what life is about. Part of Life Leadership is course correcting to what we want. My friend does not really want to hear that. I invite her to get present and really hear what she is saying. Yet again, a side step; she cant receive the acknowledgment. She is beyond being acknowledged because she is on the defensive and ready to fight at a moments notice. The problem is she is only fighting with herself. She throws another right to the jawbone. I can hear her teeth grind together. Here comes another one to the gut. Ouch! That one must have knocked the air out of her. Once again the conversation moves to Self Responsibility. Quickly her ego hears the threat…and Bam an upper cut to the jaw. This round is over. She falls to the mat in self resignation and another one goes to the shadow.

Have you ever caught yourself boxing your own shadow? It’s a lot of activity with no real opponent. Those of us that are proficient shadow boxers know what I speak of here. I spent years boxing my own shadow…creating obstacles in my path that were illusory by nature. Boxing shadows is not all bad. I suppose there was some endemic value in what I was learning. I also discovered that I often punched myself longer than I needed to. Over time I began to see that boxing shadows was a powerful metaphor for my avoidance. I was boxing to resist what I really wanted to create. If my energy is spent defending myself against myself, I cannot create my life or business with the same intention.

How much time and energy do you spend beating yourself up? I find that pummeling yourself is quite over rated. I’m not talking about giving and receiving constructive feedback. That is different. I am speaking about arguing for what limits you. I am talking about finding things about ourselves that keep us playing small at work and in our relationships. From my experience it’s not very productive and it doesn’t really accomplish much of anything.

How do you know if you’re a professional shadow boxer? As a former professional, I can remember talking about the same problems over and over. That is a sure sign of it. The same conversations about the same problems don’t lead to solutions. It will assuredly lead to the same problem if I don’t have the wit to see the circuitous nature of my own pattern. Another sure sign of self abuse is being surrounded by others who wallow in my self pity. If you find there is a general recurring theme to your conversation, you are likely to be boxing your own shadow.

As a leader you will find you won’t have much time for fighting with yourself. You will move your energy and enthusiasm to creating something new or improving on an existing situation. Here’s the thing. Every one of us has a shadow. Nobody is exempt. You can’t walk into the sunshine without having it follow you. It’s always there. Your shadow wants to be noticed. It wants you to notice it. I recommend making friends with your shadow. If nobody is looking you can say hello to your shadow. The point is he/she is not going away. You don’t want your shadow to go away. If it went away it would mean you would be living in the dark.

So what’s the solution? What happens if you just stand still? Slow the conversation down. Learn to really listen to the information people are sharing with you. Come into a beginners mind and ask lots of questions. Shadows tend to position themselves. They want to win…and they want to be right. One sure way to throw your shadow for a loop is to ask questions about your situation to people that are willing to be honest with you. Ask people how they experience you? Be willing to really hear what they have to say. Trust that most people really do care and want the best for us. The world is an amazing and wonderful place and while I feel it’s important to be aware that your dark side exists, I don’t think focusing on it as a reality is very supportive of great leadership.

This week, I encourage you to stop beating up on you. Pat yourself on the back. Give yourself a high five and buy and ice cream cone. Keep your hands up….enjoy the sunshine and let your cynical side know…who the real champion is. Get into the ring with a bigger problem than yourself. Find a cause at work to go to bat for. If you are going to be a boxer get into the big ring and lead with experience and attributes of leadership. I know you will find it rewarding beyond compare. As always, I look forward to your comments.

Best,

Stephen McGhee

P.S. On Saturday, November 14, 2009 I will speaking in Salt Lake City, UT along with Steve Chandler and Darby Checketts at the Thriving in the New Economy event.

The event is all about choosing to boldly create a new economy instead of cowering down to whatever the current economy throws at us! It will be a day of empowerment and transforming uncertainity into new new possibilities.

I will be speaking on…
– How to inspire exceptional accountability through your entire organization.
– How listening creates exceptional value.  
– How to become an exceptional leader through generating questions rather than answers.

Join us…
www.ThriveInUtah.com